THE STIFFYS PHONE ADVICE HOTLINE – WEEK THREE

ANONYMOUS

TUESDAY ONE THIRTY TWO PM

HI ANONYMOUS WE COMMEND YOU ON YOUR BRIEF MESSAGE IT’S SO MINIMAL AND SO ART IT’S PROBABLY THE MOST ART PHONE ADVICE HOTLNE QUESTION WE’VE EVER RECEIVED WE COMMEND YOU ON YOUR BREVITY ANONYMOUS

ALSO CAN EVERYBODY PLEASE REMEMBER TO SAY WHERE THEY ARE CALLING FROM PLEASE WE ARE TRYING TO FOSTER A SENSE OF COMMUNITY 

ANONYMOUS

WEDNESDAY FOUR FIFTY THREE PM

HELLO ANONYMOUS IT’S YOUR BOYS THE STIFFYS HERE YOU HAVE DEFINITELY COME TO THE RIGHT GUYS FOR THIS QUANDRY WE TEND TO CHANGE JOBS QUITE A BIT BECAUSE WE BOTH FIND IT DIFFICULT COMPLETE TASKS AND LISTEN WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE TALKING AND REMEMBER TO GO TO WORK AND NOT DRINK CHAMPAGNE PROBABLY BECAUSE WE’RE CREATIVE TYPES YOU KNOW ANYWAY THE TRICK TO MAKING A GOOD IMPRESSION AT A NEW JOB IS TO GET VERY FAMILIAR WITH EVERYBODY VERY QUICKLY YOU NEED TO COME IN HARD WITH EDGY BUT FACTUAL NICKNAMES JUST CALL IT AS YOU SEE IT AND DO NOT BE APOLOGETIC ABOUT THAT AND TELL EVERYBODY THAT YOU’RE THEIR BOSS AND THAT THEY SHOULD BE YOUR YOUR BRO AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO CRUISING FOR BABES AFTER WORK OR SOMETHING ALSO MAKE SURE YOU’RE WEARING YOUR BEST OUTFITS LIKE THINGS THAT ARE A LITTLE BIT SEXIER THAN YOU’D USUALLY FEEL COMFORTABLE WEARING IF IT’S A BIT TOO TIGHT FOR YOUR FIGURE THEN JUST GO AHEAD AND PUT ON A LOT OF JEWELLERY BECAUSE JEWELLERY REALLY SHEDS KILOS OR MAYBE JUST WEAR SOME CLASSIC COOLGUY STUFF LIKE AN ASTRONAUT SUIT

PODDY

WEDNESDAY FOUR FIFTY SEVEN PM

HI PODDY THERE USUALLY SEEMS TO BE A PARTY AT OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR THE CHAD’S HOUSE HE ALWAYS HAS LOUD MUSIC PLAYING AND HE JUST STANDS OUT THE FRONT OF HIS HOUSE REVVING HIS MOTORBIKE IT’S SERIOUSLY SO SWEET HE SAYS HE’S GOING TO TEACH US HOW TO RIDE HIS MOTORBIKE BUT IT’S BROKEN AT THE MOMENT SO ONLY HE CAN RIDE IT BUT WE BRING HIM MONEY AND CIGARETTES EVERY TUESDAY SO HE CAN GET IT REPAIRED AND AS SOON AS IT’S FIXED HE’S GOING TO TAKE US BOTH CRUISING FOR BABES IT’S GOING TO BE SO SWEET THE CHAD SAID HE’S GOING TO LEND US SOME OF HIS OLD HATS AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO WEAR THEM BACKWARDS TOGETHER AND BE COOLGUYS LIKE SAMES

PODDY

WEDNESDAY FIVE OH TWO PM

HI PODDY WE DON’T REALLY KNOW WHERE PEOPLE ARE HAVING ALL THE PARTIES TO BE HONEST I MEAN WE DEFINITELY GET INVITED TO PARTIES EVERY DAY IT’S JUST THAT I THINK THERE’S A PROBLEM WITH OUR LETTERBOX OR SOMETHING LIKE MAYBE THE SPAM FILTER IS STUCK OR SOMETHING OR MAYBE ADAM’S BEEN BURYING THE MAIL AGAIN ANYWAY WE’RE JUST SO BUSY WITH THE BAND AND THE DRINKS WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO GOOGLE PARTIES AT THE MOMENT

PODDY

WEDNESDAY FIVE OH THREE PM

HI DEAN THE PARTY WILL BE HAPPENING AT

FRI 7 NOV THE CROWN AND ANCHOR ADELAIDE

SAT 8 NOV THE WORKERS CLUB MELBOURNE

FRI 21 NOV THE FACTORY THEATRE SYDNEY

SAT 22 NOV NEW GLOBE THEATRE BRISBANE

SUN 7 DEC SEMPLESIZE BLOCK PARTY WITH TWIN BEASTS & BANOFFEE AT HOWLER

FRI 12 DEC LASS O’ GOWRIE NEWCASTLE

SAT 13 DEC FESTIVAL OF THE SUN WITH VIOLENT SOHO AND THE JEZEBELS AND SHIHAD AND DUNE RATS

FRI 19 DEC THE B.EAST BRUNSWICK

PODDY

WEDNESDAY FIVE OH SIX PM

WAIT A SECOND IS THIS DEAN PODMORE FROM THE DEAN PODMORE FANCLUB

BEN CALLING ON BEHALF OF HIS FRIEND BRIAN

WEDNESDAY FIVE OH SEVEN

HI BEN WE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED YOUR FRIEND BRIAN ISN’T HAVING ANY LUCK WITH THAT GIRL AFTER SPRAYING HER WITH PASSIONPOP WE’VE SEEN HEAPS OF COOLGUYS DO THAT IN TELEVISION COMMERCIALS AND AT CAR RACES AND THOSE GUYS SEEM TO ALWAYS HAVE GIRLS THROWING THEMSELVES AT THEM I SUPPOSE HIS ONLY HOPE NOW IS TO JOIN A ROCK AND ROLL BAND OR START WEARING DEODERANT WE’VE FOUND THAT LYNX AFRICA WORKS THE BEST THE LABEL SAYS FOUR SECONDS BUT WE’D RECOMMEND GIVING IT AT LEAST EIGHT BEN AT LEAST EIGHT SECONDS FOR THAT ONE

 

YAN

WEDNESDAY FIVE OH NINE PM

HI YAN THAT’S SO EXCITING YOU’RE BRINGING PRESENTS INTO THE COUNTRY WHAT KIND OF PRESENTS ARE THEY WE LOVE PRESENTS MAYBE WE CAN HELP YOU OUT ACTUALLY NO THEY BARELY LET US ON PLANES THESE DAYS BECAUSE WE OFTEN ENJOY A COUPLE OF DRINKS BEFOREHAND JUST TO UNWIND YOU KNOW BUT THEY’VE GOTTEN SO GOOD AT FINDING OUR DRINKS IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW WELL YOU HIDE THEM WITH ADAM’S BOOGIE BOARD THEY ALWAYS FIND THEM THE OTHER DAY THEY TOOK STICKY TAPE OUT OF MY BACKPACK BECAUSE THEY SAID IT WAS A SAFETY HAZARD LIKE I WAS GOING TO STRANGLE THE PILOT OR SOMETHING TRUE STORY AND ALSO EVERYTHING ELSE WE SAID WAS TRUE AS WELL WE ARE A COUPLE OF TRUTH BOYS YOU KNOW WE’RE HERE TO SHINE A LIGHT BACK ON SOCIETY

 

PODDY – WEDNESDAY 5.15PM

HI PODDY IT’S US YOUR BOYS THE STIFFYS WE’RE JUST WONDERING WHERE THE PARTY IS AT CAN YOU PLEASE TELL US WHERE YOU ARE WE ARE ON OUR WAY WHERE IS THE PARTY AT PLEASE

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